Lovin Our Little Liam

William Joseph Patterson was born...well, 4 months ago. He sure is a bright little star in our lives. Everyone just loves and adores him. He laughs easily and everyone just loves to make him laugh. He is starting to like bath time, especially when one of his very willing siblings takes a bath with him. He's a good sleeper and sleeps mostly through the night! Yeah!

This boy is skinny and he has really long legs. Really. I will be surprised if he is not tall. He loves all the action that happens around the house but he is easily startled if you come up to him to quickly or too loudly. Spencer and Rob are the main ones to make him cry. :)

He has adjusted to the crazy life of having 4 older siblings and misses them all when it's a little too quiet around here.

My sister took these pictures when he was 2 months old. Isn't he just amazing?

My BIG To Do List

1. Try to ignore the STRONG nesting instincts I'm having (which is funny...because right now, I can't do anything about them, and every other time I've been pregnant, I haven't had nesting desires as strong as this pregnancy...while I can't do much about it)
2. Find a house to move into.
3. Pack up this house and move into other house.
4. Have this done by Feb 28ish, because our landlords want to put this house on the market.
5. Unpack. At least minimally.
6. Get ready for wee little baby coming sometime in early April.

Right now, everything is hinging on item #2. And even though I'm not the biggest planner, I do like to envision my future and have a basic plan as to what to expect. But I can't plan much beyond item #2 because I have no idea where or when we will be working on items 3, 4, and 5. Do we start packing things up so as to plan for a temporary move...somewhere to live while we have this baby and I get through those few months of post-partum blahs (or blues)? (I remember enough to have recommended to Rob that we try not to make any major life decisions right before or after I have this baby.) Or do we just start packing things up for a more permanent move?

I just dunno.

We have looked all around town for a house since the end of November, never feeling quite right about any of them. Although there was one house I actually felt like I could have lived there, but...it's at the top of our range and there are enough oddities about the house that we wouldn't want to pay that much for something that isn't amazing. We've looked at houses that would push our affordability limit and houses that are fixer-uppers (but still...not at the price they are listed at!). And we've looked at houses that we could live in for a few years and potentially use as an investment home. We even put an offer on a great house and property. But it was turned down, and we both felt quite relieved (that was one that would have made us house-poor). We felt relieved because we still have a bunch of student loans that we need to pay off and one big reason why we haven't felt too comfortable with the idea of buying a house is the idea of getting into more debt.

Sometimes I wish I could be like Rip Van Winkle and go on a hike in the mountains, sleep for about 6 months (instead of 20 years), and come back to life in another house and already past the hormonal post partum time.

But such is life. To roll with the punches. To have faith that things will work out and not fear. To not be afraid to ask for help (that's probably what I need right now...). The other day I posted on Facebook...when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When you get more lemons, sometimes you need to have a good cry before you can make the lemonade again. That's how this house hunting experience has felt like. But, oddly, I also feel like it's preparing me for the future.

Recipe for Success

I've been taking a class the past few months about fine tuning our family vision, focus, systems, attitudes. It's been quite awesome. We've created a family mission statement. I've been reading, A House United: Teaching Children Self Government, by Nicholeen Peck, and I've been working really hard at how I instruct the kids and get them to do things through using the power of "calm"...she has some pretty cool techniques like how to effectively give a child an instruction but also giving them the option to "disagree appropriately." It really cuts down on whining and complaining and yelling on my part. It's awesome.

I just need to work on consistency. Still lacking in that department.

My mentor just asked the following question and I felt a desire to share my answer: 

What does it mean to let a child fail. Is it ever appropriate? When wouldn't it be?

I believe it is absolutely appropriate to allow our children to fail and not raise them in such a way that they feel entitled to doing things right and succeeding. There are several ways we can do it. One father I know purposely sets up challenges for his kids that are just beyond their capability. If they succeed, the success is very sweet. If they fail, they learn. That may be extreme, but once I learned why he does it, it makes sense. He doesn't want his children to be afraid of failure. He wants them to realize that failure is an important part of the pathway to success. And he doesn't do it maliciously or as a punishment or to get a power trip (all of which would be wrong reasons to allow your children to fail), but he does it as a way to teach his children.

Most people who succeed in life only do so after failure, after failure, after failure. The Facebook-idea-turns-college-boy-billionaire scenario happens very rarely. But so many of us look to that kind of example and hope for easy success like that in our own lives. We forget that most successful people in history had to accept their failures time and time again. Thomas Edison tried over 1000 different ideas of materials and bulb shapes before he successfully created the electric light bulb. Michael Jordan is slated to have a quote about failure leading to success. And there are so many more examples.

Our children shouldn't be afraid of failure. If they have experience with it, they won't be. And when they fail, they won't stay down for long and they won't sink into depression. They'll use their minds to figure out what went wrong and try it again. Or realize they lack experience and knowledge and seek to obtain those things. I think the best ways to teach failure are through natural consequences of ideas they have especially if you show them confidence that the next time they try, they will do it better (that idea for the lizard trap was awesome…for some reason, though, it just didn't catch a lizard…try a new design! So your lemonade stand didn't sell much lemonade. What can you do differently next time?) Another way to teach failure is consequences in the home for disobeying family rules. Isn't that an opportunity to ask the kids to carry out the consequence and try again to follow the rules, try again to succeed?

Of course, we should definitely allow our children many opportunities to succeed so they don't think that life is full of disappointment. And we also need to accept their own feelings of success as adequate. For example, my kids love to play soccer during the soccer season. However, we have never measured their success on the field by the number of goals they make. And that's a good thing, because they hardly ever score. In fact, I don't remember any of them scoring this year, except when my 5yo daughter accidentally scored for the other team. But they all enjoyed playing on a team, exercising, and being a part of something for themselves. My oldest learned a lot of new skills and became more aggressive and confident on the field. In each of their own eyes, the season was a success. I shouldn't label it as a failure because they didn't score goals. I should celebrate their feelings of success, too.

As I've been writing this, I've realized that one aspect of failure is sin. Of course we don't want our kids to ever sin. But we can't expect that. Some of our kids will sin very grievously. So…do we sink into depression? Do they sink into depression? Do we cut them off? Do we feel ashamed for their actions and feel like we didn't measure up as parents? Those are all signs of accepting the failure and not seeking for success. Or, do we teach them that they can alway turn to the Savior so when they are trapped in sin, they will know where to turn eventually? Do we, ourselves, seek for the Savior's help in showing them love and not anger/frustration/contempt for their actions? Do we seek the Savior, as did Alma the Older, to turn our child's heart back to Him? Should we not ever give up? Those are seeds of success through the power of the Atonement.

We Have What We Asked For...

A little over 200 years ago, a group of Americans set up a government that would represent the people. Really, it is quite amazing that this republic democracy has lasted as long as it has. But this week, we can see that, although laws are constantly being passed without regard of the Constitution, we still have a ruling body that represents We The People.

Is it any wonder that our national ruling body can't make the hard, responsible decisions needed to back away from this debt crisis when The People don't want to make their own hard, responsible decisions in their own lives? How often have your heard yourself say, or hear someone else say, "there should be a law about that"? Really, though, more of us should take responsibility for our own actions instead of making laws about every little last thing.

We have a people very apathetic about our government. Well, it seems like we have a government quite apathetic about its people.

We have a people wanting government to regulate and rule everything. So we have a government that regulates and rules everything...even without passing laws (hello FDA, TSA, Dept of Ed, FCC, etc).

The problem with wanting someone else to be responsible for personal choices, like education and health care, is that you lose freedom. You become bound to what they think is best. You are bound to their expertise. You no longer have the opportunity to make it better...or worse...for yourself. You lose the opportunity to have a choice in the matter.

We asked for it. We will have to pay for it. And it will hurt. It will hurt financially or it will hurt revolutionarily. Or probably both...

And the sad thing is that this has been going on for years, even decades. Actually about a whole century. So we can't wholly blame our generation, nor our parent's generation, nor our grandparent's generation. We just get to be on the side where everything is beginning to fall apart. Lucky us.

So, this is just a rant. I have no solution. Except one. We The People need to change. But it's a far-out solution. We need to take personal responsibility serious again. We need to learn and understand what liberty and freedom really mean, and what it really takes to have it. We need to really understand what the early Americans fought for. Really, they fought hard for less than what we deal with now. Responsibility is one big part of that freedom equation. Just like when you were young, your parents would give you more freedom if you showed responsibility and were trustworthy. We need to stop passing the buck onto the government and take more personal responsibility for ourselves. And it's gonna have to take over 175 million Americans to make that change.

But in the end, majority rules. So, right now, we've got what we asked for.

Treading Water in Stormy Seas

That's what the 1st trimester of pregnancy feels like sometimes...ok...most of the time.

Today I just read a chapter with the kids from the book, By the Great Horn Spoon, which is about a boy and his butler who travel by ship from the East Coast to San Francisco in the 1847 Gold Rush so they can strike it rich and save his aunt from having to lose her house. It's a really fun book. Anyway, their ship is racing another ship to get to San Francisco, and of course, the other ship is ahead on the Atlantic side. So the captain makes the bold move of traveling through the treacherous Straight of Magellan at the southern tip of Chile instead of taking the safer but longer route around the Horn. For 38 days, the ship and its passengers are tormented by storms, high seas, high winds, and low visibility with a few hours of respite here and there.

38 days...that's a long time...and for an odd reason, it reminded me of my pregnancy. It's like that. And I remember it being hard with my others, I just forget how hard it really is. Oh well, no turning back now. And each time Spencer does or says something just totally cute, I'm reminded about how worth it this all is. I'm deep in the process of creating a LIFE! A complex organism with intricate details of structure and function...no wonder why it's exhausting and difficult!

And then I'm just me...even though I do fall apart emotionally some days and let the house go to pot and just have the kids eat cereal all day long, I have to pick myself up again the next day and at least try to do better, try to BE better. Even if it's just having more patience with myself when the house looks horrible and no one is eating balanced meals.

So one thing I've been trying to do better this pregnancy is to try to eat better things for pregnancy. Early on, I found this website:

http://wellnessmama.com/6065/how-i-avoided-morning-sickness/

and this one:

http://www.mommypotamus.com/the-real-cause-of-morning-sickness/

So neither one of them is from a medical journal or written by a doctor, but they are written by pregnant moms who are trying to provide adequate nutrition for their bodies and their growing babies. One of the first things that was interesting to me, that I found agreeable, is the need for a pregnant mom to eat a high amount of protein (80g a day!) and healthy fats (like coconut oil, butter, olive oil). Proteins are the building blocks of life, so that makes sense. And healthy fats are actually good for you. Not to mention some of these foods are high in iron...something I'm usually short with during pregnancy. Sometimes I find that a piece of buttered bread/toast just hits the spot. I'm eating about 2 eggs every morning and they always taste so good. And that hamburger I got from In N Out the other night? That mostly chased away the sicky feeling I was having several hours before that.

Instead of waking up and having a few crackers to start my day, I have a small handful of pecans. And two odd things are happening...so far, I've only gained 4-5 pounds (usually I gain 10 almost instantly). The other odd thing...I have food aversions to highly sugary food. Like the Gatorade my kids make? It totally repulses me. The cookies Rob made the other night? I could hardly stay in the house. It's so weird. So I don't know if this has something to do with the high protein diet I'm eating or if this baby of mine will be sensitive to sugar in his/her lifetime (it's a possibility...I have a couple of nieces on Rob's side who can't handle sugar very well).

One thing is for sure, you don't know how strong you are until you're stripped of your strength and have to battle things out in your weakness. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. I'll get through this. And I'm also a bit glad my family needs to take on extra responsibility. It's good for them, too.

Ch-ch-changes

Pulling the Van out of the mud. Even the tow truck got stuck. Quick story...Rob really wanted to go shooting, but it had been a rainy/snowy weekend. That didn't stop him. He thought it wouldn't be a big deal. We got stuck in mud that acted like suction cups. Even the tow truck got stuck. A friend, who lived down that country road, had her farm hand help the tow truck out with their tractor. And the tow truck finally got us on the road. The next day, our friend's father told us a story of a tractor they had stuck in that mud for about a week before it got out. Never again will we go shooting in wet weather!

This is a year where there are supposed to be a lot of changes in our lives. But so far, not much has changed. So we're in limbo on most of the changes. I don't like being in limbo. But one thing I have learned, it's often a good idea to take big things one at a time. I'm not very good with being overworked and overstressed. I fall apart easily so it's best for me to tackle one big thing at a time.

Since January 1, we knew that we were going to make sure 4 big changes happen this year...one is opening a second office location for Rob's practice in Prescott. Two was for us to finally purchase a home. And three was for Rob to stop working down in Phoenix and focus his time up here and hopefully have more time off for enjoying life. And four is to not prevent baby number five from coming.

In February, I read a great book, the Power of Less, and took to heart the challenge of working on one goal at a time. A surprise change came along with this. So I made a big list of all the things I'm consistently working on...like decluttering the house, keeping a routine/schedule, exercising daily, making my bed daily, educating the kids, and communicating better with Rob. That last one was something I just jotted down at the end when I realized how much other people (like Rob's siblings) have encouraged us to communicate better. So when I prayerfully asked which goal I should work on in March, the answer was to work on my communication with Rob. It was a bigger bear of a goal than I had realized. I shared my goal with him and he gladly agreed that we both needed to work on it. We tackled some poor communication habits we had formed...and we realized many communication errors we have based on our upbringing. On my side, I suppress many of my feelings and thoughts in favor of keeping peace in the family. However I sometimes felt like my thoughts or feelings aren't as important and I would feel resentful about my needs not being met...which, as Rob points out, is hard to meet my needs when I don't communicate them. On his side, he'll shut a conversation out when it gets too emotional. So when I would finally open up, and I would just about get to what I would consider a resolution, he would shut the conversation down and want to deal with it later. Bad combination. But we have made a lot of progress. And the most important thing is that we're working through this together. We have also agreed, out loud, that if we can't overcome this on our own, we'll seek professional help.

It feels so good to be married to a man who will do something that's hard so that our relationship can get even better.

Change one is happening. And it's big. It's consuming our lives right now. Rob has signed a lease on a second location and we're working hard to get it ready and inform the community about the new location.

We're trying to get things in order to make change 2 and 3 happen. In March, I was looking at houses and showed a few to Rob. He suggested that we call a realtor to see the houses. But I told him that I didn't want to start that process until he was settled in his second practice. I just didn't want to overload us too much when I don't have to. And that was a good decision. Uncle Sam wasn't as kind to us this year with taxes so we'll have to save more aggressively than I had anticipated.

And number 4. You're still reading because you hope I have an announcement. Well, I don't. I'm not pregnant yet. And it's okay. I'm grateful to have energy right now to focus on making these changes happen. I also had a mammogram screening 2 weeks ago (something I feel like I need to do regularly now that I'm 34 because breast cancer runs in my family...the results were normal).

Another good change was a change of heart. Between me and Rob, one of us always has a big calling/responsibility in our church. We willingly accept them and believe them to come as a request from The Lord. But often, after a few months, we aren't as eagerly engaged in our callings. They become more of a burden than a blessing. So we've been coming around and realizing that we need to be more appreciative of the opportunity we have to serve others and serve the Lord. We shouldn't grumble about the time our callings take us from doing other things but instead find ways to incorporate family time and renewal time through serving in our callings. Yesterday, Rob and I got to escape on an overnight retreat where the leaders spoke with us about teaching, strengthening, and leading the boys and youth in our church. I'm so glad we were able to go. And I'm so thankful for the friends who watched our kids so we could both go.

Man vs wild

The wild is beating us. The clay mud is keeping us prisoners. All we can do is await a tow truck.

Ruth's Meatloaf and Other Patterson Food Stuffs

Missy, this one is for you :) :

Ruth's Meatloaf

Mix all together:
2 lbs ground beef
1 pkg Lipton Onion Soup Mix
1 egg
1 1/2 tubes saltine crackers, crushed
3/4 c ketchup
salt and pepper to taste

You could put it into 2 bread loaf pans. I make a lump into a 9 X 13 pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 40-50 minutes.
Serve with ketchup.

This is Rob's favorite meatloaf because the crackers soak up the meaty juices and leave the texture nice. Plus you can't go wrong with the flava of Lipton Onion Soup Mix.


Missy, were you wanting some ideas for less meat/vegetarian meals? Here are some:

1. Spaghetti with vegetable tomato sauce (I like to bulk it up with carrots, squash, and some cans of diced tomatoes). Or I'll do a huge batch with just a pound of ground beef so the beef flavor is in the sauce but the meat portion stays low. I'll freeze the leftovers for an easy meal or two another night.
2. Stir fry without the meat. Just throw together any frozen veggies you have in the freezer and stir fry them. If you don't have a stir fry sauce, make your own. You need a few essentials: oil, vinegar, lime juice, sweetness, a little heat to enhance flavors. Oil: Olive and a few drops of Sesame Oil (I love the nutty flavor of Sesame Oil). Rice Vinegar (or regular or white wine vinegar). Lime juice. Soy sauce (that's the base flavor, so use 2-4 Tbsp of that). Sweetness: 1 Tbsp Brown suger. Heat: a few dashes of cayenne pepper or add a chopped chili/jalapeno if you have one on hand. You can serve it with peanuts or cashews for the protein.
3. Fish Tacos...YUM! Tilapia is my favorite. Stir fry on olive oil with minced garlic or garlic powder. Serve on Corn Tortillas with a fruity salsa (peach, pineapple, or mango anyone?).
4. Vegetable curry. Make a Thai or Indian curry with lots of vegetables in it.
5. Squash soups. Butternut makes a yummy soup. Serve with salad and bread and you're full till morning.
6. Stuffed acorn squash. I find recipes online. My favorite website is Food Gawker. If I pick up an odd vegetable in my bountiful basket, I just go online and type in the name of that vegetable and find a recipe that looks good and that I have ingredients for.
7. Roasted root veggies for a side. Just tried this one...parsnips, carrots, sweet potatoes. Diced, tossed with olive oil, salt, and pepper, and in the oven at 450 for 45 min. Even the kids enjoyed that one!
8. Homemade baked french fries or sweet potato fries when we eat the unhealthy hot dogs...so at least the whole meal isn't a bust for health.
9. Go Asian! Lots of Asian dishes are very yummy without meat. Their main flavors come from plants: soy, garlic, chilis, curries...all are strong plant-based seasoning. Thai, Korean, Vietnamese, Indian. I can share some favorite recipes if you would like. If you pick up a few Asian staples (like Fish Sauce and curry paste) at the store and keep them on hand, you can make an Asian dish even in a time crunch.
10. Falafel mix from the store with pita bread and cucumbers and tomatoes. It's surprisingly very filling!

Some foodie Cutness!!

A couple of weeks ago I also experimented on a vegetarian taco casserole--I exed the meat and added more black beans and corn. It turned out pretty good. It's a lot like making chicken enchiladas but you tear up the tortillas and layer them with the filling instead of putting the filling inside the tortilla.

I also try to keep a bag of home ground whole wheat flour in my freezer. When I make hot breakfasts, breads, or rolls, I use half white, half whole wheat to increase the health factor.

I also buy a basil plant every year and just keep it in my kitchen so I can pluck off leaves when I need fresh basil.

This and That Tuesday

Or is it This and That Thursday?

Whatever.

Earlier today I was in a grumbly sort of mood. The kids were complaining a lot and I was complaining to them about their complaining. Hmmm. I wonder where they picked up that bad habit from. So I decided that we really needed to take advantage of the nice weather outside and go to the neighborhood park.

That helped so much. So does Spencer's nap that he's taking right now.

This was taken today. Yes, it's January and in the mid-50s outside.
We might have to go back again tomorrow while the weather holds.

And so does some free time for myself while the kids actually play happily together. Yay for moments like this. I don't feel like I'm going to bite someone's head off anymore.

...............

I've started writing a regular blog post for the Patterson Orthodontics blog...about being a mom. It's actually something I've been wanting to do for a long time and I've just been to hesitant to do it.

I started the monthly Motherhood Moments posts. Many of the other ones, admittedly, come from a dental social media source. But I decided to do this monthly feature to keep a connection with the women in our community. One time a couple years ago, Rob asked me what I would like to do. And I replied that I would like to share more what I've learned with people, especially things I've learned that can help other moms and other parents.

...............

Fairytales have been on my mind lately, so I decided to read this fable to them after I stopped several quarrels before breakfast yesterday morning.

The North Wind and The Sun

Now when the kids start yelling at each other to try to get their way, I ask them if they want to be like the Wind or the Sun. It's been really helpful.

.................

As a family, were really trying to eat more raw foods and less meat. I have successfully not bought ground beef for several months. But yesterday I broke down and bought some because it was on sale. And I'm craving (and I know my family won't object) some of my MIL's meatloaf. But this recipe also is looking really good...I better go thaw some meat.

Our Autumn Activities

Pumpkin Pickin--They found the biggest one!

Is he really that big already? My baby taking a break during our explorer  adventure at Watson Lake.

Dylan's catch of the day...little guppies. He's amazingly good at catching little fish by hand.

Evelynn working on her explorer journal. I don't ever worry about her practicing her writing. She's my girl!

A house down our street turns into a Haunted Mansion on Halloween. It's wickedly cool.

Halloween was a really busy night...I didn't get a picture of us in costume. But we did get free tickets to a Sundog's game (local hockey team) so I got to go on a double date with my boys and my white witch hair.

Naked and Exposed

I have a confession. One that is connected to one of the most difficult trials of my life...a trial that I thought had only lasted about 8 years, but apparently I haven't completely overcome it. I am not a very great friend...or at least the kind of BFF that every girl needs. I haven't ever "gotten" how to be one. So because of that, although I've had good friends and great friends, I haven't had very many close friends. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, especially since my husband is my best friend and I'm close to my mom and one of my sisters, when we actually get around to calling each other. :) But sometimes it does. And I feel lonely. Or I might be having a hard day and I don't know who to turn to, so I go on my knees (which is a good thing...I have a ton of faith in my Savior). But that leaves me out of a great friendship...the kind where you're able to help each other out because of the friendship you have...or the kind where you can invite yourself over when you just need a break from your house or your life. The Savior is an amazing person, but I just can't really do that with Him. And Rob is great, but he's a guy.

If any of my early friends happens to read this, I just want you to know that I do have happy memories of our friendships. I also have not held grudges and I have forgiven you. I'm just telling this story because it's a part of my life and it helped define me. Most importantly, it brought me to the grace of the Atonement at a young age. And Jesus has been my rock and my foundation ever since.

It all started in that not-so-magical year of 8th grade. I mainly hung with a group of girls who I considered my friends, but I really was only close to the one who lived in my neighborhood. Towards the end of the year, I was dubbed the tag-along and so they would whisper something to each other and dash away to leave me. I also happened to intercept notes that weren't so positive about me. Needless to say, it hurt. A lot. I cried myself to sleep almost every night that last month of school and I told myself it would be better when I got to high school the next year.

In high school, I was friends with a different group every year. But because of my damaged friend-esteem, I became the follower kind of friend. And I built a type of wall around myself. I was always willing to do what the friend-of-the-year suggested because I didn't want to get hurt with rejection again. My sophomore year, I became great friends with a girl in my English class. We spent a lot of time with each other at school and out of school. Towards spring, though, she also started hanging out with other girls and when we all sat together at lunch time, they would talk about their upcoming plans or those funny things they did the day before in their secret language. I didn't stay around to be completely rejected. I conveniently started going out with a guy. It didn't last long, but it was an easy out from a fading friendship. And that started a not-so-good pattern of going out with boys and the whole NCMO thing once in a while.

So I floated from friendship to friendship. Several friendships just naturally faded when my friends went off to college in another town while I stayed home to finish high school. But I usually didn't do my part to keep those friendships alive. By then, I had learned to like me for who I am and if I didn't have a close friend, I would just spend my time working at McDonald's or on scholar projects for scholarships.

At BYU, I really enjoyed my freshman year. I made friends with a bunch of people and grew close to my cousin. In some ways it was pretty cool because I often had a friend wherever I turned up. I also actually kept a high school friendship alive and we ended up being roommates my sophomore year. She was probably the closest thing I had to a best friend. At least we were really close for awhile. I don't know what happened since then except she went through a ton of trials personally and with her family at the same time I grew in spirituality. So although I sort of tried to be there for her, I also wasn't because I got caught up in my own thing. And with my super awesome friendship skills, I let that friendship fade, too.

While attending BYU and with determination, I decided to do a study abroad in Jerusalem. Those 4 months healed my soul. Just before I left, I had been dating a boy seriously yet he broke it off before I left. With hope, I continued to write him. Only about a month into the study abroad, he wrote me to say  that he was engaged to another girl. I was devastated. Luckily, I had amazing roommates who also became some of my closest friends. And I was immersed in studying the Old and New Testaments, the history of the land, the people, the language, and the message "repent and come unto me."

Finally I decided it was time to come clean with my Bishop. As I confessed my past, he asked me why I had done those things. I replied that I didn't know why because I knew that they were wrong. Then he told me that it was because I was seeking for love and acceptance. I knew he was right. At one time while we were on the bus, I remember watching a couple of others in our group. One was a girl who was funny but also kind of dorky. The other was a boy who was just out of high school and had a minor disability. They were the center of attention on that bus and everyone enjoyed being entertained by them. And then it hit me (I know this is a bit self-centered--but that's how I had learned to get through all that rejection--to rely on myself). If everyone loves these other people for who they are, they probably and likely love me for who I am, too. That was an awesome realization for me. Before that, I often felt others were judging me or snubbing me. But this helped me realize that there are many people who just love us for being us.

Then towards the end of the Study Abroad, we had the opportunity to spend 2 weeks in Galilee. When we went to a historical or Biblical site, our teachers always shared historical or biblical insights about the place. After we had the tour of the Mt. of Beatitudes, our teacher gave us some time to ponder on the hill overlooking the Sea of Galilee in the hills where the Son of God walked. The Spirit already was touching my heart. Then I started reading Matt 5-7, which is the sermon on the mount. As I read several of those verses, my heart touched Heaven. "Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow...and yet I say unto you, That Solomon in all of his glory was not arrayed like one of these." And I felt that I was like a lily. A simple daughter of God, but more glorious within than Solomon was arrayed. And then as I read, "Ask and it shall be given unto you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you," I knew this was the time to ask for forgiveness. And when I did, the Lord took my sins and burdens and filled me with His love. As I walked down the spring blossom hills, my feet didn't touch the ground. I knew that the Atonement had changed me that day. I knew that God loved me for me. Since then, I have felt His love for me frequently. And it is so sweet. So 8 years after the time I cried myself to sleep at night in want of a friend, I finally found the absolutely best one in Christ.

But tonight, as I spoke with Rob, I shared this experience with him from start to finish. And he said that I had never shared it with him before. I had shared parts, but never in whole. We both realized that I must still feel vulnerable in the area of true friendship. And he's right. I do. I thought I had healed completely from my 8th grade rejection while on the Mt. of Beatitudes. But I still unintentionally put up walls. Although I have many friends and I talk easily with people, I don't really have close friends. So he encouraged me to do better about being a true friend and seeking a close friend. Tonight I realized that although I have Christ in my life, I still need friends. Close ones. So I don't feel so lonely. So I have someone to go to when Rob won't be home for hours. Someone who can come to me for those same things. I'm missing out on a lot. And now this is out there...and I feel a little naked and exposed.

Colden's Baptism!

Colden turned 8 last month! He was so excited and ready to get baptized. About 6 months ago, he planned his whole baptism...who would give the talks, what the songs would be. Everything. On his baptism invitation, I wrote something that he said about it:

I am excited to get baptized so I can wash away all of my sins 

and then receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

So we sent out the invitations. Most of them. My parents were able to come to town for his baptism. However, Rob's parents were unable to come because Bob had double (or triple?) bypass open heart surgery in July and wasn't able to travel yet. But the baptism was still great. My mom gave a great talk about baptism being the gate into the kingdom of Heaven. She bore a sweet testimony of Jesus Christ. I gave a talk about the Holy Ghost. And Rob baptized Colden then confirmed a member of the Church and gave him the gift of the Holy Ghost through the priesthood which he bears. After Colden's confirmation, I felt humbled and grateful to be the mother of such a spirit! It's going to be a journey, and hopefully a fun one, continuing to raise this boy!

Colden really has anticipated the day of his baptism. He loves the gospel of Jesus Christ. He even "read" the Book of Mormon all the way through earlier this year. He loves to teach lessons during our Family Home Evening and he often has wonderful insights. He can recognize the presence of the Holy Ghost in his life and in our home...and he can recognize when it's not in our home. He has an amazing faith when it comes to healing through the power of the priesthood and through prayer. Just today, he had a really bad tummy ache while we were driving between activities. He was moaning and telling the  "dumb" pain to "stop it." Then he said a silent prayer and he said that right after, the pain started going away. Within a few minutes, he didn't have pain anymore. He asked if sometimes prayers are answered a little later than when we offer the prayer and I said yes. Sometimes it's minutes, days, or even years. But our prayers are answered. His faith is really amazing. I hope it stays with him his whole life!

What I would change about myself is...

My brother-in-law has started emailing us little questions to answer for a family history project he is working on. I felt like I should share my answer to his recent query...

What I would change about myself is....

Nothing and everything. I am very happy with who I am. Yet I know I have many strengths and weaknesses and I know I am far from perfect. But I still like myself and who I am. It would be nice if I could get on a fast track to change my weaknesses into strengths, but then what would life be for. So when certain weaknesses manifest themselves as the true beams that they are (instead of the little motes I usually notice them as), I work on changing myself, through the power of the Atonement, to turn those weaknesses into strengths.

Yes, I cry. Yes, I have bad days. Yes, sometimes I fight depression. Yes, I beat myself up because of how I treated someone or how I always slip back into bad habits. But I still know that I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. I know that I'm not supposed to be perfect. I know that those bad days just help me build my character as long as I try to be better the next. I am surrounded by people I love and adore dearly and I know that they love me for who I am.

So...with all the good days and the bad, I wouldn't change anything I've lived through and I wouldn't change anything about myself because I am proud to be who I am.

With that, I do have to say that my anger management issue has been a very difficult change. The past couple of weeks, I have had a calm with me that has been such a blessing as storms rage around me (I swear that my 4 year olds are just so stubborn!!). I started meditating a few months ago as a way to calm the chaos in my mind and help me calm my behavior. Just a few minutes every morning before I read my scriptures. I think it's helping. I didn't do either this morning...and blew up at the kids right before lunch because the house was a mess and they didn't care.

When I go about my day with Jesus, He really does make a difference. I am so weak without Him. 

I recently read The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox that has really helped me remember the source of power behind change. The BYU Alumni Magazine also has an amazing article about it, "His Grace is Sufficient."

Controlling my Outbursts

Two weeks ago, I decided that it was time to stop...stop giving in to my anger and frustration and yelling and start controlling it and diffusing it. I thought I wasn't that bad...just blowing my top like Old Faithful every once in a while after the pressure would build. But during that first week, I realized that I was way worse than I thought. It was a big slap in the face. So I've been working on this. I've taken a lot of tips from a lesson called "Overcoming Anger" in this manual.

Something went very right today. At about 2:30, I realized that Dylan was purposely not taking care of his jobs and clean-up responsibilities for today. I started to express my frustration by piling on the consequences (more chores), but at least I kept my voice level normal (even if my tone was too stern). He started crying because he just didn't want to do any of it.  At about 3pm, I gave him a consequence that, although I wanted to follow through with, I knew I ought not follow through with it. I told him that he would have to stay home while the rest of us went on a 2 hour outing to the local zoo. I was grappling for something to motivate him. He just kept crying and didn't budge. But I also didn't want to budge, because it feels like he ignores my requests more often than not (which really means that I need to figure out a better way to approach him). So I wanted him to learn these two lessons--work before play, pick up the first activity before going on to the next one. We never really learn these lessons at my house (hmmm...I wonder why...as I write this with a pile of dishes in the sink).

Obviously, I was not handling this situation well. At all. I was stuck. I had given him a consequence I really, by law, shouldn't enforce. Yet I didn't want to budge because of the hope that this could help him learn the importance of fulfilling responsibilities we don't want to do but still need to do. As he took a potty break, my mind opened up to a possibility--and I believe it's because I didn't blow my top. I thought that he needed someone(s) to step in for mercy on his part and the justice needed on my part. I asked Colden and Evelynn if they wanted Dylan to join us at the zoo. They both said yes. Then I asked them if they would be willing to help him with his jobs so the jobs would get done. I also said that they would really be like Jesus if they did that. 

I stood back amazed. Colden immediately began to unload the dishwasher. I asked Evelynn if she wanted to do the dishes and she went right to work rinsing the dishes. Both of them did this with love and without a complaint. Seriously amazing. Then I knocked on the bathroom door and told Dylan what his siblings decided to do, to help him qualify to go to the zoo. I asked him that since his siblings were doing 2 of his chores, would he do the oh-so-hard job of vacuuming. He agreed to and he did it.

A feeling of love entered our home and stayed with us. On the way to the zoo, Colden had the wonderful idea of giving cut-out hearts to each other when we clean up someone else's mess. It was a clean-up strategy based on love! I can't wait to try it! We've tried rewards, attaching privileges to cleaning up, consequences, money...none of it has lasted very long. I'm hoping that the motivation of love and appreciation will outlast all the other clean-up strategies.

Summer Fun, So Far

 Rob, Brian, Joe (Henry must be taking the picture). Brothers weekend in Burney. They had an awesome time running, mountain biking, cliff jumping, fishing, playing cards. 

 Colden's first Cub Scout Day Camp!

 Spencer is "helping" us with our not-so-successful yard sale. Craig's List works so much better. (Too bad we can only sell one thing at a time on Craig's List.)

 You would think he hiked the whole 3 miles. That's just how dirty he got during our lunch break!

 Family day trip to the South Rim of the Grand Canyon. We hiked down about 1 1/2 miles, saw a California Condor soar in the air, and earned Jr. Ranger patches. We LOVE living where we live!

This is what Dads are for...

Destination: Hawaii

About 4 years ago, Rob told me that the American Association of Orthodontist was going to have their annual meeting in Hawaii in 2012. And 4 years ago, I told him that he's taking me.

He kept his word. 

 View of Diamondhead Volcano from the rooftop of our condo/hotel.

Sunset Beach on North Shore Oahu

Secret Beach on Kauai

Sunset Beach on North Shore Oahu

The best thing about Hawaii: the beaches and the temperature of the water. Both can't be beat. Our favorite activity: snorkeling. We snorkeled in Lanikai, Shark's Cove (aka no sharks but schools and schools of fish), a beach near Shark's Cove, and Tunnels. We loved snorkeling because it's peaceful and enjoyable to see the fish and sea turtles in their natural habitats.

Rob was the drummer king at the Polynesian Cultural Center. We learned a lot about several different polynesian cultures while we were there. At the Luau, the announcer invited those who were celebrating anniversaries to come up and dance in front of the crowd. We did! This trip, aside from being a business trip (we did attend classes at the seminar), we celebrated 10 years of marriage! I'm such a lucky woman! I sure love my man! After dinner, we watched an amazing fire show.

After 6 nights in Oahu, we went to Kauai. One side of Kauai doesn't have any roads going to it, so the only access is by hiking, boating, or helicopter rides. It's a beautiful jungle land. Here is one alcove that we could see from the top of one of the mountains. Near here is one of the consistently wettest places on earth. It did rain often and periodically on Kauai!

After we snorkeled at Tunnels in Kauai, we kayaked up and down a river. We really enjoyed ourselves.

Rob's brother, Joe, told us about this awesome hike that we had to try...a hike to the Secret Tunnels. We read about it online and looked up the trail info in a book and thought we were ready to go. Then we started the hike...and we tried to keep our shoes dry until we got to the tunnels. About 1/4 mile into the hike, we quickly realized that was impossible. We were hiking in a jungle. It kept raining sporadically. The sun never reached the dirt. It was muddy. It was hard for me to walk in the mud at first, so I would tell myself, "embrace the mud." It took us about 3 hours to go about 1 1/2 miles. Every step required deliberation and mental concentration so you wouldn't slip or slide down the side of the mountain. We were often hunched over because the plants were overgrown on the trail. From the sound of the website and trail book, we hadn't expected so much mud and slipperiness. After a while, I mentioned out loud that I couldn't remember seeing the trail markers for awhile. Doubt. It began to rain some more. We didn't know if we were on the right trail, the muddy trail was getting muddier and slipperier, and our mental game was slipping. We decided to turn back (after some thought and prayer). The jungle beat us. So we never did get to the Secret Tunnels. But we did hike for 5 hours in the jungle. And it really is tough.

10 days in Hawaii with the love of my life. It was an experience I'll cherish forever!

I'm Brilliant! & That's OK!

Some years back, I came across this quote. I thought it was cool, but I forgot it. Then I read it quoted in a book recently. A financial book. Oddly, this book, along with a couple others I'm reading, are giving me the spring-board I need to make some needed paradigm shifts. Personal paradigm shifts. About how I view myself and how I focus my life--especially helping me discover my Soul Purpose/personal mission. It's just an awesome personal journey.

Here is the quote, by Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others.

Mr. Duncan and Mr. Noodle

Colden has created these two characters. One is Mr. Duncan and the other is Mr. Noodle. They are friends.

Mr. Duncan has a curly mustache and one spectacle. He wears his extra long tie with the knot at his chest and the tie goes down to the floor. He has the funkiest bike ever. And a tricycle, too. He only takes baths on Mondays because he loves to.

Mr. Duncan tries to make money by working at a restaurant. He's the boss. He tries to bake, and every time he flips the pancake, it goes high in the air then lands on his up-turned face. He gets a cherry and puts it on his fork. He pounds the fork so it catapults the cherry into the air. But it lands on his forehead and not in his mouth. Mr. Duncan has a lost tooth on the bottom. Also he has one earring on his ear.

Mr. Noodle is his friend. Mr. Noodle has a curly goatee. When he tries to pop a wheelie on his bike, he lands on his back. He tries to do a back flip on his new skateboard. He has the tiniest trike he rides with his best friend, Mr. Duncan, and he always falls down. Mr. Noodle loves running then swinging on a ring. When it rains, he gets his snow suit and snow pants on and pulls his sled in the rain. When it snows, he wears his raincoat and boots. When it's windy, he wears a swim suit and a tank top. When it is hot, he wears his sweater and pants. He's so funny. He also wears his tie upside down.

Easter Thoughts

Right now, I'm the president of our ward's (church congregation) Primary children. One of my main responsibilities is to keep the Primary staffed with Primary teachers, Cub Scout leaders, Activity Day leaders, music leaders, etc. As I prayerfully consider when to let someone go when they may not be serving as they should, I am amazed at the mercy and patience of the Lord. I feel His desire to give them 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances before I feel that He gives me permission to release the person and call someone else to the position.

That experience, as being an intermediary for other people, has opened my eyes to how often the Lord gives me 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and usually even more chances to follow through with what I say to Him what I'll do. His mercy and kindness surpasses all. I'm so grateful to celebrate Him on Easter.

http://mormon.org/jesus-christ?cid=77710#article

For Family

This is for my poor family who we only see every once in awhile...Thanks, girls, for your encouragement for me to post more. It really can help us stay connected even though we're so far away. I'll try to do better. Here are some great pics of us the last few months. Each picture tells a story worthy of its own post. We'll think of this as photographic poetry. One picture is worth the thousand words of a story. But instead of prose, we'll get poetry.

February fishing outing as a family at the local Watson Lake. We found a secluded pond with fish. We thought we would get some easy catches, but the fish were just not biting.

The kids had to get out and play after the major snow storm we had in February.

Spencer is now 11 months! He's into everything...our little mess maker. He's also jabbering all the time. It's so darling!

Colden and Dylan gelled Spencer's hair into a little mo-hawk. It's really cute!!

On the Monday of Spring Break, I took the kids hiking in Sedona while Rob and a buddy went mountain biking. We all had so much fun. And we're all glad Rob and his buddy came home alive...the trail they rode was dangerously close to the edge of a cliff. I guess boys will always be boys. Adrenaline. Testosterone. It's all in the package.

We met my brother, James, and his kids at the Science Center in Phoenix while his family was staying with his wife's family in Mesa. It was great to spend a day with them!

Spencer and Pops. My in-laws have been in town a couple of weeks. It's been great to spend time with them!

Spencer is crawling all over the place and getting into everything! He is such a joy to all of us! He's either off or on...happy or screeching to get his way. He eats and eats and eats and only stops when he's sleeping. It's a good thing he still takes 2 good naps a day! He jabbers a lot. Today he said "Mom" while we were at the park. It melted my heart. He melts my heart every day.

Evelynn is showing off her cute hair that I actually did and curled! She is so full of energy, love, teasing, independence, silliness. She is definitely 3. She's so aware of everything around her. She loves doing things all on her own, even if she's not being very smart or safe about it. We have a lot of talks about how important it is to be obedient, because she would often rather do things her way. But I love that quality about her. I hope she always believes in herself and values freedom.