I feel like a failure. I wish... Third time was not a charm. I guess I just can't do it. It's gotta be me.
Those are all the titles I thought of putting on this post. Evelynn went in for her 4 month appointment. She seems like she's growing. She's a lot bigger than when she was born. She should be 13-14 lbs by now. Everything was just fine last appointment. She's happy and I think she's been sleeping well...but her naps could be better and she seems ready to sleep longer at night. At least she's healthy. But she weighed in at 12 lbs 4 oz. I can't remember what she was for her last appointment, but it's not a big difference. She dropped from 50th percentile to 25th percentile in two months. At least her height is in the 75th percentile, so she's not lacking there.
I thought I finally had it down...the breastfeeding thing. After starving Colden for the first few months, I one day saw my skeleton baby as he really looked and was shocked into supplementing with formula. I wouldn't even let Dylan get that far. By 2 months, I was supplementing regularly and he was weened by 5 months. Now I've gotta add a bottle a day so my poor little girl can get enough nutrition. (And I'm not against feeding her formula. It's much more important for me to have a healthy baby.)
I have tried so hard with Evelynn to get it right. I want to exercise, but I've been taking it easy so it doesn't affect my milk supply (and because my back has been having issues lately if I work out too hard...no abs...hmmm, I wonder why). Her feedings are marathon feedings. Literally. A fast feeding is over in 30 minutes. Normally, she takes 45 minutes, and when she was little, there were sometimes it would last over an hour (no joke...my kids have been amazingly patient through all this). I make sure that one side is empty before I switch her, then I make sure that she empties the other side before I take her off. And because it takes so long, I think I must have slow let down...both of my other kids took forever to eat, too. This time I read that a nursing mom needs 500 extra calories a day...in addition to the recommended 500 extra during pregnancy. Well, since I knew that I overate during pregnancy, I have been trying to get that just right. Plateauing at 25 lbs over pre-pregnancy weight isn't the greatest when you want to try to have a positive body image. So, I just didn't want that plateau to go back up. Luckily, it's been slowly going down. Now I'm only at 20 lbs over pre-pregnancy weight. But did that affect my milk supply? Not to mention the stresses I've been going through lately (stress is another thing that can affect milk supply). I really try to keep my life in balance and keep a feeling of peace. But life just sometimes gets overwhelming...
So, I'm sharing this because I'm hoping for a little encouragement. I would like to just throw in the towl and ween her...I could get more of my life back (like exercise and take the weight off). But there's a part of me that thinks I can still go on, and I should. But I really need some encouragement. Please comment. Stuff like--you can do it! You're not a failure! is good stuff to share. But if you, or your wife, has had difficulties that you/she has overcome, please share those with me. That will be extremely motivating. I know it will take work, perseverance, and patience to keep going. But a part of me just wants to know that I can. But sometimes that other part (you know, the part that says--you've already worked so hard, take the easy way out) is stronger.
Anyway, thanks for scrolling and taking the time to be with me.
12 comments:
You're the man, Angie! I think you've done a great job...I told you about a month or two ago that if it was me, I would've given up already. That says a lot about your character. I think you should try supplementing and see how that goes before you throw in the towel. The problem I would have is that it takes patience...one thing I don't have a whole lot of. Hang in there! We'll get Evelynn fat and juicy and get your life back!
-your #1 man
No matter which way you decide to feed her, you are an awesome mom. Really, in the big picture if you can't produce a lot of milk, no biggie -- supplement. Your kids would really suffer if they didn't have the more important things that you already offer them...love, example of a good relationship with your spouse, humility, patience, determination, creativity, sense of humor, willingness to be an at home mom, fun, good natured, happiness, willingness to do anything for them. When you look back later, you'll feel glad knowing that you did everything you could for your babies & you won't bat an eyelash at the feeding decision that you made (whatever it may be) because you'll just be glad that you have good, happy kids. With that said, I do know how scary it is to have a baby that loses/does not gain weight & how you have an instincitve nature to protect & save them at all costs. You're a great mom, Ang. We love you & your babies do too.
I feel really bad for you, Angie! That must be hard, and I'm sorry you have a tough time. Obviously, I don't have much experience, and thus not a lot of helpful ideas, but here are a few that have helped me: owning a baby scale has helped me keep an eye on what's going on, and to prevent my little baby from not getting enough. I way Sophia every day to make sure she gains as she ought to. There are cheap scales you can get on Ebay (that's where I got mine -$43 total with free shipping).
Also, I don't know if it's the same in Missouri, but here in Ohio I've been able to get a free electric pump through Medicaid, but over WIC...WIC gave me the number to some medical supply company. Pumping can help boost your supply and you could also bottle feed the pumped milk and be sure that way that she gets enough, and everyone can help out with that.
And last thing: I haven't tried this, but I know they have these natural teas that can boost your milk supply. I know some women use them who adopt a baby and want to breast feed, so they must be working pretty well. Maybe you can look into that? Ok, that's all I can think of. You probably know all this already, but just in case...
Of course, you can always buy my frozen breast milk for the cheap prize of $5 per bag. ;) Just kidding on that one. But really, I wouldn't worry so much about breast feeding if it's not working well. The most important is that you feed your baby. They'll never ask you what you fed them when they're big! Colden and Dylan turned out ok, so you're doing something right.
P.S. I'd be happy if Sophia ever nursed for 30 minutes. i'm always worried that she doesn't eat enough because when she takes her time eating it'll take maybe 15 minutes...I think the longest we ever had was 20 minutes. I keep telling her it's not a race, but Dad has set a poor example. :)
Sorry, I forgot you wanted encouragement, not advice on stuff you already know. So, you can do it Angie!!! Whatever you choose to do, you'll make it work, and you'll make the best choice for your baby.
Good job for trying. I remember wanting to give up so many times.Breastfeeding is so hard. I look back and have mixed feelings. All good for Max and the benefits he got from it. Do you have a pump? That might help to get the supply up. Then, just bottle it and give it to her when needed.
Listen to Eye of the Tiger - it is a great song to help gear you up for a challenge. Don't beat yourself up! You're great!
Angie, I love that you have the courage to admit reality. Nobody is perfect, things never work out the way you expect and yet in the long run everything works out the way the Lord sees fit. So you can't give your kids enough milk, there are worse things. That being said I do remember feeling so sad, and incompetent when I could not nurse Trevor. It was such a struggle for me but like Sarah said, you are a great Mom in so many ways and that is what counts. We cannot be every thing and the more we can admit that to ourselves and our children the better off we are. I love what Ken told me on a day that I just felt like the biggest failure in so many ways but mostly as a mother. He was so kind to listen for 30 minutes while I listed all the ways I am lacking, then he said "Even on your worst day, you are the best mother I've ever known." Angie, the fact that you are beating yourself up over this shows what a loving devoted mother you are. I'm glad you are seeing your daughters needs and taking such good care of her. It does get better, just give yourself a moment to breath and realize just how great you are. You can do it, even if it takes a while. :)
~ Maren
Everyone's comments are so great! And you know me...I have the same problem as you! I've pretty much already given up when we have baby #3 that I'll just nurse until I dry up like I did with Cambree. I hear the first 6 weeks are the best for the baby and of course the longer the better, but I know I couldn't do it. But you're a heck of a lot stronger than me! You were so determined to have Dylan VBac and you did!! I just quickly threw in the towel! Whatever you set your mind to, you can do it, but it's not the end of the world either. :)
Oh, Angie, I feel your pain!! When I was pregnant with #3, I was sure that I was going to "get it right this time." :) I've decided that Heavenly Father is going to teach me patience if it takes an entire lifetime of this stuff.... You are doing a GREAT job, and I'm so impressed with how you're sticking it out (breastfeeding may be the way nature intended, but it's NOT NATURAL!). Give her a bottle, and get some rest!!! :) I'd nurse Katie first, then give her a bottle once I was pretty sure she'd emptied me out -- that way I didn't "compromise the milk supply." But even if you just cut down to 2 breast feedings a day, she'll still be getting all the advantages of the antibodies, etc, and you can start to feel human and ANGIE again. I'm having good times with +20 pre-pregnant pounds, too. Ugh Ugh Ugh. But know that you aren't alone!!!! You're amazing and your kids are lucky to have you!
You can do it! :) I don't know if I can be of much help because I didn't have much problem nursing James. Knock on wood--I sure hope everything goes well this time. I've had friends, though, that say that some tea called Mother's Milk can help. I guess it helps increase your supply. I've heard oatmeal is good to increase supply, too. I even came across an oatmeal cookie recipe once that was supposed to help. Google, I'm sure, could help you find it. Good luck!
seems like you are getting a lot of reinforcements! It is hard and I say kudos to you for even trying to breast feed. I have done it and I love being able to do it but it isn't easy. Fortunatly I am just like a milk cow and have enough supply for 12 babies but some people just don't get the milk. My sister in law tried but just ran out I guess its just the different ways our bodies work but you are definatly not a failure.she seems content and that is the important thing hang in there!
I haven't checked blogs in a while, so this comment may be too late, but I completely agree with what everyone has said. You are a great mom, regardless of how your baby is fed (although, I do know a little bit of the torn feelings that you are feeling). I had a difficult time with Lily, and I used an herbal supplement called "fenugreek" (it came in a pill form which I liked because it was fast and easy). I have some extra if you would like to try it. I can drop it by. Whatever you decide, it will be the right choice because it is what is best for you and your family.
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