Naked and Exposed

I have a confession. One that is connected to one of the most difficult trials of my life...a trial that I thought had only lasted about 8 years, but apparently I haven't completely overcome it. I am not a very great friend...or at least the kind of BFF that every girl needs. I haven't ever "gotten" how to be one. So because of that, although I've had good friends and great friends, I haven't had very many close friends. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, especially since my husband is my best friend and I'm close to my mom and one of my sisters, when we actually get around to calling each other. :) But sometimes it does. And I feel lonely. Or I might be having a hard day and I don't know who to turn to, so I go on my knees (which is a good thing...I have a ton of faith in my Savior). But that leaves me out of a great friendship...the kind where you're able to help each other out because of the friendship you have...or the kind where you can invite yourself over when you just need a break from your house or your life. The Savior is an amazing person, but I just can't really do that with Him. And Rob is great, but he's a guy.

If any of my early friends happens to read this, I just want you to know that I do have happy memories of our friendships. I also have not held grudges and I have forgiven you. I'm just telling this story because it's a part of my life and it helped define me. Most importantly, it brought me to the grace of the Atonement at a young age. And Jesus has been my rock and my foundation ever since.

It all started in that not-so-magical year of 8th grade. I mainly hung with a group of girls who I considered my friends, but I really was only close to the one who lived in my neighborhood. Towards the end of the year, I was dubbed the tag-along and so they would whisper something to each other and dash away to leave me. I also happened to intercept notes that weren't so positive about me. Needless to say, it hurt. A lot. I cried myself to sleep almost every night that last month of school and I told myself it would be better when I got to high school the next year.

In high school, I was friends with a different group every year. But because of my damaged friend-esteem, I became the follower kind of friend. And I built a type of wall around myself. I was always willing to do what the friend-of-the-year suggested because I didn't want to get hurt with rejection again. My sophomore year, I became great friends with a girl in my English class. We spent a lot of time with each other at school and out of school. Towards spring, though, she also started hanging out with other girls and when we all sat together at lunch time, they would talk about their upcoming plans or those funny things they did the day before in their secret language. I didn't stay around to be completely rejected. I conveniently started going out with a guy. It didn't last long, but it was an easy out from a fading friendship. And that started a not-so-good pattern of going out with boys and the whole NCMO thing once in a while.

So I floated from friendship to friendship. Several friendships just naturally faded when my friends went off to college in another town while I stayed home to finish high school. But I usually didn't do my part to keep those friendships alive. By then, I had learned to like me for who I am and if I didn't have a close friend, I would just spend my time working at McDonald's or on scholar projects for scholarships.

At BYU, I really enjoyed my freshman year. I made friends with a bunch of people and grew close to my cousin. In some ways it was pretty cool because I often had a friend wherever I turned up. I also actually kept a high school friendship alive and we ended up being roommates my sophomore year. She was probably the closest thing I had to a best friend. At least we were really close for awhile. I don't know what happened since then except she went through a ton of trials personally and with her family at the same time I grew in spirituality. So although I sort of tried to be there for her, I also wasn't because I got caught up in my own thing. And with my super awesome friendship skills, I let that friendship fade, too.

While attending BYU and with determination, I decided to do a study abroad in Jerusalem. Those 4 months healed my soul. Just before I left, I had been dating a boy seriously yet he broke it off before I left. With hope, I continued to write him. Only about a month into the study abroad, he wrote me to say  that he was engaged to another girl. I was devastated. Luckily, I had amazing roommates who also became some of my closest friends. And I was immersed in studying the Old and New Testaments, the history of the land, the people, the language, and the message "repent and come unto me."

Finally I decided it was time to come clean with my Bishop. As I confessed my past, he asked me why I had done those things. I replied that I didn't know why because I knew that they were wrong. Then he told me that it was because I was seeking for love and acceptance. I knew he was right. At one time while we were on the bus, I remember watching a couple of others in our group. One was a girl who was funny but also kind of dorky. The other was a boy who was just out of high school and had a minor disability. They were the center of attention on that bus and everyone enjoyed being entertained by them. And then it hit me (I know this is a bit self-centered--but that's how I had learned to get through all that rejection--to rely on myself). If everyone loves these other people for who they are, they probably and likely love me for who I am, too. That was an awesome realization for me. Before that, I often felt others were judging me or snubbing me. But this helped me realize that there are many people who just love us for being us.

Then towards the end of the Study Abroad, we had the opportunity to spend 2 weeks in Galilee. When we went to a historical or Biblical site, our teachers always shared historical or biblical insights about the place. After we had the tour of the Mt. of Beatitudes, our teacher gave us some time to ponder on the hill overlooking the Sea of Galilee in the hills where the Son of God walked. The Spirit already was touching my heart. Then I started reading Matt 5-7, which is the sermon on the mount. As I read several of those verses, my heart touched Heaven. "Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow...and yet I say unto you, That Solomon in all of his glory was not arrayed like one of these." And I felt that I was like a lily. A simple daughter of God, but more glorious within than Solomon was arrayed. And then as I read, "Ask and it shall be given unto you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you," I knew this was the time to ask for forgiveness. And when I did, the Lord took my sins and burdens and filled me with His love. As I walked down the spring blossom hills, my feet didn't touch the ground. I knew that the Atonement had changed me that day. I knew that God loved me for me. Since then, I have felt His love for me frequently. And it is so sweet. So 8 years after the time I cried myself to sleep at night in want of a friend, I finally found the absolutely best one in Christ.

But tonight, as I spoke with Rob, I shared this experience with him from start to finish. And he said that I had never shared it with him before. I had shared parts, but never in whole. We both realized that I must still feel vulnerable in the area of true friendship. And he's right. I do. I thought I had healed completely from my 8th grade rejection while on the Mt. of Beatitudes. But I still unintentionally put up walls. Although I have many friends and I talk easily with people, I don't really have close friends. So he encouraged me to do better about being a true friend and seeking a close friend. Tonight I realized that although I have Christ in my life, I still need friends. Close ones. So I don't feel so lonely. So I have someone to go to when Rob won't be home for hours. Someone who can come to me for those same things. I'm missing out on a lot. And now this is out there...and I feel a little naked and exposed.